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July 15, 2004
Warning: Geek Alert
Just saw the new Spider-Man last night.
So, um, when did Spidey become so damn emo?
I swear, I know Spider-Man's always done the "no one likes me" thing, but was it always this whiny? I kept wanting to just smack each one of the characters. ("Harry, sit down and listen to me. I'm sorry about your father, but he was the Green Goblin. Remember that psychopath on the flying skateboard that almost blew the hell out of you and Mary Jane, and then disappeared RIGHT AT THE EXACT SAME TIME your dad died? That was him. He impaled himself on his rocket-thing while trying to kill me. I'm also sorry about "stealing" MJ from you, despite the fact that we never dated at all, and it was like two years ago and you still haven't gotten over it. Not to mention the fact that you seem to have just gone out with her to make me feel lousy, since you knew I'd been in love with her since preschool. Geez, what a jerk. Get some therapy or something.")
And did anyone else notice how they gave Spidey the horn-rimmed glasses? And the turtleneck sweater? And the thing with the poetry? I kept waiting for him to pull out one of those over-the-shoulder tote bags. If only he could have written a song about his tortured love for Mary Jane, and performed it for her at the coffee house…And if he did date MJ, could she possibly be in any more danger than she already is with him "protecting" her?
Also, what the hell happened to the police? Spider-Man quits for like a week and crime goes up by 75%? I mean, these aren't super-villains he's foiling; they're regular criminals. And not too bright ones, from the look of it.
(Doesn't the NYPD know that if we'll only let them keep sodomizing black immigrants if they keep the crime rate down? That's the deal; IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION, PEOPLE! Am I the only one who keeps track of these things?)
Sheesh, what a shame. After so many hideous comic-book movies, they finally get some decent actors and a director who's not a total ass-clown (pretty much hasn't happened since Tim Burton), and it comes out so, I don't know, by the numbers. Even Bruce Campbell's cameo was pretty lifeless. On the other hand, you can see why Dark Knight and Watchmen needed to happen. Spider-Man's so busy with bank robbers, he's never going to go after the billionaires and government-connected corporate scumfucks who actually cause everything. Where's Frank Miller when you need him?
(On a side note, is the phrase "nipple erection" actually written in Kirsten Dunst's contract for these movies?)
Posted by StephenRauch at July 15, 2004 08:57 PM
Comments
Couldn't agree with you more. This movie bored me to tears and left me feeling unsatisfied overall. The Doc Ock/Spider-Man conflict was pushed aside into a subplot and most of it was just Peter being, well, as you described.
Your NYPD comment made me laugh so hard that milk came out... and I wasn't drinking any.
Posted by: Beau Rossel at August 20, 2004 05:35 PM